also...

Stranger: hey

You: ok

You: think about this

Stranger: ok…

You: it took about 50 years for Voyager I to get to the edge of the solar system

You: if it were traveling towards alpha centauri

You: it would take another 75,000 years

You: to reach it

Stranger: Ok…

You: also i fucked your mom

You have disconnected

taco?

Stranger: o sea

Stranger: que pedo

Stranger: me preguntan que si soy

Stranger: hombre o mujer

Stranger: y se van

Stranger: lol

You: uhhh

You: taco?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Guest post 3: Don't type.

You: Hey i was wondering

You: if you had a weird uncle

Stranger: uncle tom?

You: dont type

Stranger: ok

You: and he was 111 years old

You: and suddenly, at his birthday party

You: he set off to live with the elves

You: and left you hobbiton and the ring.

You: What would you do?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

GUEST POST: wanna buy?

You: Greetings young chap

Stranger: haha heey strangerr

You: What be your age in years?

Stranger: 1991

Stranger: you?

You: 1946

You: the great age of america.

Stranger: ew

Stranger: what tdhe fuck

You: Would you care to purchase an equine beast?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

are you lost? because heaven is a long way from here...

Stranger: hi

Stranger: asl

You: are you lost?

You: because heaven is a long way from here

Stranger: m/f

You: do you have a map?

You: because i just keep getting lost in your eyes

Stranger: m/f

You: hi, im a thief...and im here to steal your heart

Stranger: m/f

You: if i could rearrange the alphabet i would put U and I together

Stranger: uumm

Stranger: m/f

Stranger: ru male or female

You: STAND STILL!!!!! so i can pick you up :)

Stranger: ahhhh

Stranger: hhhhaaaa

You: i play the field, and it looks like i just hit a home run with you

Stranger: last time ru m/f

You: im new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?

Stranger: bye

Stranger: ur not telling

You: are those pants from space?

Stranger: ur se x

You: because your ass is outta this world!

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING!

Stranger: hi

You: hi there

You: whats happening

You: ?

Stranger: I want talking you

You: I cant provide that.. I don’t think

Stranger: from?

You: are we playing a game?

Stranger: what?

You: there cant be many. How bout you?

Stranger: umm…..

You: WE’VE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

penis.

You: whats it mean, to you, to be on Omegle

Stranger: boredom has taken over

You: penis.

You: ok

You: good answer

You: how about other people? does it change?

Stranger: not quite sure i understand your question

You: penis.

You: ok

You: good answer

You: one more question

You: what kind of people, generally, do you think are on omegle

Stranger: bored people

You: penis.

You: hmmm

You: interesting response

You: thank you for your time

Stranger: and people who like the word "penis" ?

You: penis

You: what?

Stranger: nevermind

You: penis.

You: alright

Stranger: my point

You: penis

Stranger: exactly

You: penis

You: i dont see your point

Stranger: i do

You: penis.

Stranger: you sound like the immature kids in my grade

You: PENIS.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

wanna buy a horse? part 2

Stranger: Hey.

You: how serious you are

Stranger: I be pretty serious.

You: all with your periods and correct capitalization

Stranger: It's called grammar, I am sorry for using it correctly...

You: no, sir, you misunderstand. i rather enjoy your correct use of grammar in everyday speech

You: i commend you for it

Stranger: Why thank you kind sir/lady.

Stranger: For future reference are you a lady or a gentleman?

You: all these young kids nowadays are so out of hand. they have all of their emoticons and "lol"s. i heard they're even listening to rock and roll

You: and for future reference, i am a gentleman

Stranger: Bit too far mate.

Stranger: Ok.

You: perhaps we could own a vineyard together, and spend evenings drinking scotch and having fireside chats

Stranger: As I said before, you have taken this a tad too far.

You: wanna buy a horse

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

A lovely lady i want to chat with

Stranger: : a lovely lady I want to chat with the camera to the camera that you?

You: nice grammar

You have disconnected.

business proposition

Stranger: hi

You: good day to you sir

You: might i make a business proposition?

Stranger: yes

Stranger: f/m

You: beef jerky for your baby

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Snappy Response Part 5

Stranger: may I sniff ur undies?

You: if by sniff my undies, you mean fuck yourself, then go ahead

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Honesty is rarely the best policy

Stranger: hey

You: A/S/L/SSN?

Stranger: what?

Stranger: whats the last ssn?

You: social security number

Stranger: oh wow.

Stranger: you're one of those

You: if by one of those you mean someone who will exploit your few funds remaining in your dwindling bank account to purchase alcoholic beverages and illegal automatic weapons, then yes

You: im one of those

You: so

You: A/S/L/SSN?

You: also address.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

PHILOSORAPTOR

We received a guest submission by hobohobbit, and it inspired me to wonder just what a philosoraptor is. After a few moments of intense thinking, I decided it would look something like this.

Snappy Response Part 4

Stranger: looking for female who will go onc am with me n have fun

You: looking for a horse with which to assault isengard

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Get it? Huh? Huh? Cuz he's a stranger...

You: hi

Stranger: hey

You: wait

You: wait

You: wait

Stranger: ooh what?

You: i have the perfect intro line for you

You: "what doesn't kill you...simply makes you STRANGER!"

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

QUAIL

Stranger: heey

You: yo

You: wanna play a game?

Stranger: depends..........

You: you say a word and ill say whatever comes into my head

Stranger: cunt

You: QUAIL

Stranger: hufflepuff

You: QUAIL

Stranger: buy

You: QUAIL

Stranger: trap

You: QUAIL

Stranger: hippo

You: QUAIL

Stranger: whack

You: QUAIL

Stranger: fluff

You: QUAIL

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

BROLEPLAY

You: ALRIGHTY

You: let's roleplay!

You: OK?

You: OK?

Stranger: Sure.

You: OK?

You: OK

Stranger: OK

You: I'LL BE THE POPE

You: YOU BE BROCCOLI

You: OK?

You: OK?

You: OK?

Stranger: Cooked or raw?

You: RAWWWWWWW

Stranger: Fuck that, raw broccoli sucks.

Stranger: I'm steamed broccoli with cheese on it. :D

You: FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, VEGETABLE!

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

ZOMBIE: round 2, cheating husband

You: *yawnnnn*

Stranger: how do you feel about two dudes kissing, even though they have beards?

You: good morning hun

Stranger: lol

You: OH GOD

You: YOU ARENT RACHEL

You: WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT

You: i drank way too much

You: god did we sleep together?

You: YES?!

You: my wife would kill me if she found out

Stranger: why dont you just ignore what I wrote.

You: let alone my boss

Stranger: troll

You: i gotta get outta here

Stranger: this is clever though

You: but do you promise not to tell anyone?

Stranger: +1

You: oh god im so fucked

You: no i cant take the risk

You: *pulls a gun*

You: *shoots you in the head*

You: oh god oh god what have i done

You: i gotta get rid of this body

Stranger: where are you from?

You: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH A FUCKING ZOMBIE

You have disconnected.

First guest submission: Philosoraptor

You: whats your favorite dinosaur?

Stranger: philosoraptor

You: is that like a philosophizing velociraptor?

You: “What does it mean to consume?” “Do we feed because we must, or do we exist to feed?”

Stranger: what

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

squirtle squirt!

You: squirtle

You: squirtle squirtle

Stranger: pikachu

You: squirtle squirt?

Stranger: pika

Stranger: pika pika.

You: squirtle squirtle squirtle squirtle!

Stranger: pikachu.CHU

You: squirtle squirtle! squirtle squirtle squirtle squirtle!?

Stranger: pika pika. chu. pikachu

You: squirtle :(

Stranger: chuu~

You: squirtle squirt squirtle squirtle?

Stranger: Have you done this to everyone? Chu?

You: AHHHH A TALKING PIKACHU

You have disconnected.

TRI FORCE

You: ZELDA

You: ACTIVATE THE TRIFORCE

Stranger: lmfao

You: WELL USE THAT POWER TO FINISH OFF GANNONDORF

You: PLEASE IM WEAK

You: THE MASTER SWORD WONT HOLD OUT MUCH LONGER

Stranger: POOOOFFF

Stranger: im gone

You: CUT, what the fuck dude this is a fucking movie

You: say your lines

You: now lets do that again

You: ZELDA

You: ACTIVATE THE TRIFORCE

You: WELL USE THAT POWER TO FINISH OFF GANNONDORF

You: PLEASE

You: IM WEAK

You: THE MASTER SWORD WONT HOLD OUT MUCH LONGER

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

rigor mortis

You: look dude

You: i need your help

You: i have this girl problem

Stranger: what can i do

Stranger: what

You: she just wont respond

You: everytime i talk to her

Stranger: ok

You: she just totally ignores me

You: what do you think i should do?

Stranger: keep trying

You: i guess so

You: rigor mortis is setting in though

You: soon her skin will start to smell

You: and the bag im using will rip

You: i hope no one calls the cops

Stranger: sick

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

life insurance

Stranger: hey

You: hello

Stranger: asl?

You: are you drunk again?

You: god the baby is up again

You: CHRISTINA GO TO SLEEP

Stranger: no for now

You: mark i know your stressed

You: but stop drinking

Stranger: yes with you hon

Stranger: ok

You: i pick up a lamp and smash it on your head

You: life insurance bittcchhhhh

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: never ever

You: in a thousand years

Stranger: if i could walk

Stranger: into the sky

Stranger: do u think time

You: WOULD PASS ME BY

You: CUZ YOU KNOW I'D WALK A THOUSAND MILES

You: JUST TO

You: JUST

You: SEE

You: YOU

Stranger: cause u know id walk a thousand miles

Stranger: just

Stranger: to

Stranger: see

Stranger: you

You: wait

You: what are you talking about?

Stranger: im serendaing you

Stranger: idk wtf ur doing

You: im just making pleasant talk

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Snappy Response Part 3

Stranger: i wanna fuck

You: oh

You: well

You: i wanna tiger

You: and im not fucking getting that

You have disconnected.

Snappy Response Part 2

Stranger: hey straight to the point m usa 19 horny u?

You: hey straight to the point get a girlfriend

You have disconnected.

making fun of people

Stranger: hi1

Stranger: hi!

You: hi2

You: hi@

Stranger: what's up?

Stranger: haha@hi2 ..mocking me there .eh buddy

You: YEAH

You: YOU'RE FUCKING RIDICULOUS

You have disconnected.

Fire alarms and nakedness, respectively

I live in a peaceful dormitory overlooking Washington Square Park West. I can hear jazz musicians during the day and the quaint rustling of the sleepy homeless at night. So it may come as no surprise to you, readers, that this beautiful evening in the West Village of New York City, I was lulled by the beauty of the city, the trance of the liveliness just below my window, and the gentle caress of the swine flu. I have a roommate now, citizenduck. He is neither a homosexual nor a falcon. So as I lay my incredibly good-looking head down to my pillow and began to succumb to the temptations of sleep, I heard an obnoxious beeping noise off in the distance. I figured it was just the dumbasses over in room 220, so I rolled over and started sleep again. Unfortunately the assholes down the hall did not silence themselves, and I quickly began to realize that the fire alarm was going off and the monotonous honking was not a human noise, but a mechanical one. I arose with haste and looked everywhere for clothes to put on. I had about 10sec to be outside, and I could not find shoes or pants. I did, however, find a bathrobe. And so the NYU security guards made me stand, freezing, pantsless, shoeless, but robe-ful in a crowd of people I had never met before. Needless to say, citizenduck and I utilized our time out of the building to get Chick Fil-A. Fuck yeah, Chick Fil-A.

hot tub

You: wanna join me?

Stranger: hi

Stranger: join u with what

You: just come sit down in the hot tub

Stranger: ok

Stranger: *sits in the tub*

Stranger: i gotta warn u tho

Stranger: i got the shits real bad!

You: *jumps out, puts a glass top on the tub*

You: LOCKED YOU IN THERE

You: YA BITCH

Stranger: like ive been spaying it out all day

You: YOU AND YOUR RUNS

Stranger: let me out or ill poop in here!

You: do it

You: bitch

Stranger: *shits in the tub*

Stranger: let me out now?

You: nope.

You: you stay in that tub

Stranger: why

You: with the shit

You: ya big whale

You: YOU STUPID SEA CREATURE

You: SWIM IN YOUR SHIT

You: HOW DOES IT FEEL?

Stranger: its stinks in here!

You: shut up, whale

Stranger: is the lid on the hot tub?

You: you are about to suffocate

Stranger: whats ur a/s/l?

You: 4/mexican/sun

Stranger: ur 4 yrs old?

You: loud and proud.

Stranger: im 87/f/Japan

Stranger: im old and i have the shits

You: no

Stranger: no?

You: *you suffocate in the tub*

Stranger: *dies*

Stranger: **what do u do now?

You: AAAAHHHHHH A FUCKING ZOMBIE!!!!!

You have disconnected.

im a fucking dinosaur

Stranger: u emo

You: *sob*

You: IM A FUCKING DINOSAUR

You: CUT DOWN THE BELLY

You: WANT A PIECE OF THIS PIE?

You: GET IN THE FUCKING LINE

You: I SEE YOUR CHECKBOOK

You: PEEKING OUT OF THAT BAG

You: WHATTTT AREEE YOUUUUUU

You: totally hits

You: TOTALLY

You: THEYRE ALL HITS

You: JUST TOTAL HITS

You: GET IT?

Stranger: ur a bit mad

You: DO YOU GET IT YOU BIG WHALE FACE?

You: I ASKED YOU A QUESTION YOU SELFLESS BITCH

You: GET IN THE LINE

Stranger: i didnt see any questions just a bag of shit

You: NO BODY ANSWERS MY QUESTIONS

You: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Omegle: Entertaining College Students and Sex Offenders since March, 2009

Hey Guys!

You may be wondering what the me, my, and megle mean...so just a bit of clarification: Omegle.com is a website where you sign on and talk to a complete stranger. There is no way of tracing information on either party unless you choose to divulge it. Mattathias and I, Master Grumpus, decided to take full advantage of the confusion so often associated with talking to strangers. We have been doing this now for a few months, but only today did we decide that perhaps a greater fraction of the general populus would be just as entertained as we were. So today, while I sat in my Calculus II class, texting Mattathias, we came up with the idea to share these little tidbits of sadness, anger, joy, and frustration with all of you.

ENJOY!

Master Grumpus

MMMMMM Breakfast

Stranger: hey baby

You: hi

Stranger: what would u like for breakfast in the morning

Stranger: ?

You: BLOOD OF YOUR UNBORN CHILD AND THE SKULL OF YOUR FATHER IN A JAR

You: and eggs. scrambled eggs.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

horse teeth???

You: wanna buy a horse?

Stranger: Does it have all its teeth?

You: always.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

FRANCAIS?

You: parlez-vous le francais?

Stranger: oui bien sur

You: WELL FUCK YOU

You have disconnected.

LOL SWINE

Stranger: Hello.

You: *sneeze*

Stranger: =O

You: LOL YOU GOT THE SWINE

You have disconnected.

NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH

You: NUH

Stranger: hi

You: NUH

Stranger: :D

You: NUH

Stranger: asl??

You: NUH

Stranger: fuvk you

You: NUH

Stranger: fuck

Stranger: u

You: NUH

Stranger: ass hole

You: NUH

You: NUH

You: BATMAN!!

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Finally catching on...

Stranger: Hey

You: yo

Stranger: where are you from?

You: new jersey

You: you?

Stranger: Denmark :)

You: no you're not.

You: you're from Scotland.

Stranger: haha

You: how old are you?

Stranger: 24, you?

You: no you're not.

You: you're 41.

You: are you male or female?

Stranger: male…

You: nope. you’re female.

You: do you have a dog?

Stranger: no

You: wrong. you have two.

You: what is your name?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.